I’m still talking about healthy boundaries! The more I write, the more there is to cover. I hope you’re finding this series about holding healthy boundaries useful (and there’s still more to come).

If you’re just joining us, we’ve already covered feeling responsible for everyone else, understanding what boundaries actually are, and how to set boundaries without the guilt spiral. If you’ve been following along and giving boundaries a go, you’ve probably discovered something. Setting a boundary is one thing, but maintaining boundaries can be a whole other ballgame.

You set a boundary. You feel proud, terrified, guilty… And then, the discomfort lingers. The guilt and anxiety doesn’t magically disappear. You might start second-guessing yourself. You wobble. And before you know it, you’ve backtracked or let the boundary slip.

Maintaining your boundaries can feel harder than just going back to how things were. Don’t panic; don’t give up. It’s completely normal, and here are some tips to help.

Building the Skills

Even when you’ve set a boundary clearly and it’s been accepted, you might still feel awful afterwards. That lingering discomfort that won’t shift. The ruminating thoughts – “did I do the right thing?”, “do they hate me?”, “am I being selfish?”. Maybe you’re replaying the conversation repeatedly, analysing every word. Maybe you’re scanning for signs that the other person is upset with you.

Your nervous system is still processing the fact that you did something unfamiliar (and to that system, unfamiliar = unsafe). It’s checking for danger. This discomfort can last hours or days, and it’s one of the biggest reasons people struggle with maintaining boundaries. Because if holding a boundary feels this bad, why would you do it again?

What’s actually happening is your nervous system is recalibrating. You’ve done something that goes against years, maybe even decades of conditioning. Your body is trying to figure out if this new way is safe. It takes time and it takes practice. Essentially, we need to help your system to become familiar with these new skills.

What helps:

  • Ground yourself. When you notice you’re spiralling, come back to your body. Feel your feet on the floor. Notice your breath. Place a hand on your chest and your forehead, and pause. Your nervous system needs the message that you’re here, now, and you’re okay.

  • Name what’s happening. Say it out loud if you can – “This is discomfort. This is my nervous system wanting to go back to what’s familiar. I haven’t done anything wrong”. Just naming it takes out some of the heat.

  • Remind yourself why. You set that boundary for a reason. What did it give you? What were you protecting? Focus on that, not on the tricky feelings. Write it down if that helps – “I said x to y because I need z”.

  • Give it time. The discomfort fades, usually within a day or two. And the good news is that the more you practice maintaining boundaries, the less intense it becomes. Your nervous system starts to learn that boundaries are safe.

When Boundaries Keep Getting Tested

Maintaining boundaries over time brings its own challenges. Sometimes it’s other people testing your boundaries, sometimes it’s you letting them slip without realising.

When someone keeps pushing back:

Some people don’t take no for an answer the first time. They keep asking, keep pushing, keep guilt-tripping. Or they accept the boundary initially but then slowly start testing it, seeing if you really mean it. Maybe they’re hoping you’ll change your mind. Maybe they’re just used to you accommodating them and can’t quite believe this new version of you is here to stay.

Maintaining boundaries in the face of ongoing resistance is exhausting. It’s one thing to hold a boundary once, quite another to have to hold it again and again with the same person. That persistent pressure wears you down, and before you know it, you’ve let the boundary slip because maintaining it felt impossible.

When your boundaries start to slip:

Sometimes you let a boundary slide without even realising. You’re tired or stressed, and maintaining boundaries takes more energy than you have. You default back to old patterns because they’re easier. Or someone is persistent and eventually you cave because it feels simpler than continuing to hold the line.

Your body often tells you first. That familiar tension in your shoulders. The tight feeling in your chest. The churning stomach. These are signs that something’s off, that a boundary might be slipping. You might start justifying exceptions – “just this once”, “it won’t take long”. Or you’re back to feeling resentful, frustrated, overwhelmed. That’s usually a sign that a boundary has slipped somewhere.

What helps:

We touched on some of this last time in “What If Someone Doesn’t React Well?” but it’s worth revisiting:

  • Expect resistance. If someone has benefited from you not having boundaries, they’re unlikely to happily accept the new situation straight away. People get used to certain dynamics, and change is disorientating for them. Knowing this is likely means you won’t be caught off guard.

  • Stay consistent. The more consistent you are in maintaining boundaries, the quicker people learn you mean it. If you cave sometimes and hold firm other times, you’re actually training them to keep pushing. Consistency is key, even when it’s hard.

  • Notice the pattern. If someone consistently refuses to respect your boundaries, that’s important information. People who care about you will adjust, even if they’re disappointed. People who don’t respect you will keep pushing. And when you notice your own body signalling that boundaries are slipping, catch it early. The earlier you notice, the easier it is to course correct.

  • Use your support. Maintaining boundaries, especially against persistent resistance, is hard to do alone. Talk to someone who gets it. Let them remind you why this matters. Let them help you see when you’re being reasonable and when you’re being manipulated (hello 👋 this is a great role for a coach – me!).

Resetting a Boundary That’s Slipped

So what should you do when you’ve let a boundary slip. First, don’t beat yourself up. Maintaining boundaries is hard, especially when you’re new to it. You haven’t undone all your progress, you’ve just had a wobble. What matters is what you do next.

Acknowledge what happened, to yourself at least. “I let that boundary slip. I said yes when I meant no”. Just name it honestly, without judgement. Then work out why. Were you tired? Caught off guard? Feeling guilty? Understanding why helps you plan for next time.

Decide what you need now. Do you need to reset the boundary explicitly, or can you just hold it more firmly going forward? Sometimes you need a conversation. Sometimes you just need to quietly recommit to yourself.

If a boundary has crumbled and needs resetting, you might need to have an awkward conversation. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, the other person might be confused or frustrated. But maintaining boundaries requires this sometimes – the willingness to re-establish something you’ve let slip. It’s actually a sign of strength, not failure, that you’ve noticed and you’re doing something about it.

Be kind to yourself. You’re learning a completely new skill. You’re rewiring decades of conditioning. Of course you’re going to slip sometimes. What matters is that you notice, and you come back to the boundary. That’s what maintaining boundaries really means, not holding them perfectly all the time, but coming back to them again and again.

What’s Next

Maintaining boundaries doesn’t mean holding them perfectly all the time. It’s about holding them, and re-establishing them, even when it’s hard. You’re building the capacity to speak up, hold your power (sorry, sounds cheesy, but I couldn’t think of another way of capturing this!) and share what you really think and feel.

That capacity grows slowly, through practice and repetition. Through wobbling and coming back. Through slipping and resetting.

Next time, I’ll be writing about somatic boundaries, how to teach your body at a deep level that it’s safe to have boundaries, and the physical practices that can support you when maintaining boundaries feels impossible.

For now, if you’re working on tolerating the discomfort, or if you’ve noticed a boundary has slipped and you need to reset it, you’re exactly where you need to be.

And if you want a helping hand, so you can share the real you, why not book an exploratory coaching session to see if we’re a good fit?  And if you’re reading this and would like to know when the rest of the series comes out, why not sign up to my fortnightly newsletter?  The sign up box is below 👇 in the bottom left hand corner of my website.