This is the fifth blog in my series all about attachment theory and the different attachment styles. If you want to see what else we’ve covered so far, start here.
Sound Familiar?
You meet someone new and it feels amazing. You’ve never felt connection like this and you’re already wondering if this could be “the one”. You bombard the other person with love and soon they’re onboard, making plans and meeting your affections. But suddenly it feels too much, and you can’t help but pull away. Or perhaps you felt there was a look or something in the tone of their voice that made you think they were pulling away – so you need to get out of there first.
So you’re ducking their messages, making excuses not to meet up, doing all you can to keep them at arm’s length. But then you feel lonely, like you’re missing out, or those feelings of connection return and you’re back messaging and pushing for the next date.
The people in your life might tell you they never quite know where they stand with you. Friends, family, past partners saying a familiar theme of “you’re hard to read”, “you blow hot and cold”, “I never know what’s going on with you”. And you might feel that too – one minute you feel something, the next it’s the complete opposite.
If any of this sounds like you, you might be encountering a disorganised attachment style, sometimes called fearful-avoidant. It can be confusing, exhausting and disorientating – never quite knowing how you really feel, not being able to trust what you’re thinking, seeing the pain it causes others.
Healing disorganised attachment is possible and means you can leave behind that push-pull cycle, learn to build capacity to be vulnerable, share your own needs more clearly, and build the skills to find a way back to repair, even when things get tricky.
Where Disorganised Attachment Comes From
You’ll often see disorganised attachment described online as just a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment, but that doesn’t really tell the full story of where it comes from. It looks like a mix because no single strategy ever worked reliably, so you ended up learning both, chasing and pulling away, sometimes within the same day.
Imagine a toddler that falls over and cries, and the reaction they get from their caregiver varies wildly. Sometimes they scoop the child up. Sometimes they just don’t have it in them to do anything, and the child gets ignored. Sometimes their anxiety ramps up and they lash out, roughly or with anger. The child doesn’t know which version of their parent they’ll get – the person they’d naturally run to for comfort is the same person who might frighten them. Disorganised attachment stems from caregivers who act in inconsistent and unpredictable ways, so much so that the child fears for their own safety.
There can be many reasons for this. It can be a parent whose own anxiety emerges, with shouting, snapping, or acting erratically. It can be a parent carrying their own unresolved grief or trauma, which shows up as being frightened or dissociated in a way the child can’t make sense of. It can arise from mental health issues, causing the caregiver to be warm and soothing one day, cold, distant or rejecting the next. Sadly, it can also derive from actual abuse or growing up around violence. All of these can lead to a child who never quite knows what they’re going to get from the person they need the most.
Unlike the anxious or avoidant child, there isn’t a go-to way of coping, as nothing ever feels safe enough to settle into. So the protective response that emerges is always moving, flitting between craving closeness and then fleeing from it, or even trying to do both simultaneously.
As an adult, this can manifest as a cycle of wanting to be close to someone so leaning in, and then as things get closer, feeling scared and needing to put some distance in place. But it can also look like both styles all at once. That could look like crying and wanting reassurance but not letting anyone get close. Reaching out for someone but then starting an argument when they’re there. Or it can show up as dissociation – emotional numbness or disconnection, particularly during stress, arguments or when feeling triggered. The body and brain are going into a freeze state – both agitated and numb simultaneously.
Remember, none of these behaviours are a flaw. They stem from a survival strategy developed over time. But this strategy doesn’t serve you now you’re that calm, capable adult, and there is a way to release it.
Not sure which style is yours? Then my Attachment Style Quiz is just for you. Send me an email and I’ll whizz it over to you.
Signs You Might Have A Disorganised Attachment Style
Starting to heal disorganised attachment begins with recognising the pattern, not judging yourself for it.
Here’s a few patterns that might suggest a disorganised, or fearful-avoidant, attachment style:
6 Simple Steps to Start Healing Disorganised Attachment
Starting to heal disorganised attachment isn’t about forcing yourself to be consistent before you’re ready. It’s slower than that, and it doesn’t happen in a straight line.
The work is about building up a real sense of safety, so your nervous system can experience, over and over, that closeness doesn’t have to be frightening.
If this style is tied up with genuine fear, abuse or trauma, then I’d always suggest working with a trauma-informed therapist. If it was more about erratic caregiving, then a good coach can help – someone who can be alongside you, without judgement, and help you build safety at a pace your system can cope with. This is exactly where I come in 👋. If it would help to have that steady, non-judgemental presence while you do this work, let’s talk.
- 1
Notice the pull and the push, without acting on either straight away: when you feel the urge to get close, and then the urge to bolt right behind it, try naming it in your head but not acting on it immediately. That might look like “oh here’s the pull again. Now here’s the push”. “I feel like I need more” or “I now feel like I have to get away”. Naming the pull and the push as feelings, rather than facts you have to act on straight away, puts a bit of space between you and the cycle, so you can observe it for what it is, rather than feeling helpless in the face of it.
- 2
Try stream-of-consciousness writing to find out what you’re actually feeling: tuning into your own feelings and needs can be tricky. Disorganised attachment can make it genuinely hard to know what’s going on inside you and writing like this is a great way to start to access it. Put pen to paper and just keep writing, whatever comes out, without going back to edit or judge.
- 3
Build a felt sense of safety in small, repeatable doses: because your nervous system learned that safety and danger could come from the same place, it needs low-key, predictable positive experiences to recalibrate. Look for small, simple ways to feel regulated in a consistent way, so for example the same walk with the same friend each week does more than one intense heart-to-heart, or a weekly yoga class does more than a huge exercise blitz that burns out after three weeks.
- 4
Separate the person in front of you from the person who frightened you: when panic rises with someone who hasn’t actually done anything threatening, it can help to ask yourself: is this about now, or about then? You don’t need a detailed answer – it’s the habit of asking that helps.
- 5
Let your body catch up: disorganised attachment often shows up as shutdown or fogginess, so grounding through breath, movement, or physical sensation can help. Feeling your feet on the floor, splashing cold water on your hands, or doing a short body scan can all help bring you back to presence before you try to talk anything through.
- 6
Let yourself get close, then let yourself step back again: move towards connection, then give yourself permission to pull back for a bit afterwards. Again, this can be helpful with honest communication as to what you’re doing and why. This helps those guarded parts of you see that you are choosing closeness and aren’t helpless in the face of it.
Remember, You’re Not Trying to Undo Who You Are
Starting to heal disorganised attachment doesn’t mean becoming less sensitive, less switched on, or less you. But it does mean that you can feel more secure, trusting yourself, and choosing closeness rather than being pulled in and pushed away by something you can’t control.
Remember, go steady and ask for help. It takes time and consistent effort to help release these old patterns and put newer, more supportive ones in place.
And if part of that means finding someone safe to do this work alongside, someone who’s there without judgement, offering steady, unconditional support while you build that sense of safety, that’s exactly what coaching with me can offer. If you like the sound of that, let’s talk with my free exploratory call.
If you want to know when my next blog is released and keep up with news and offers, sign up to my newsletter using the sign-up box in the website footer below 👇.
