The Introverts’ Social Survival Guide – for Christmas and Beyond

Introversion means we can find time with people, especially a lot of people or people we don’t know so well, exhausting.  So imagine your battery display and find ways to recharge along the way (introverts recharge with time on our own; extroverts recharge with others).

It can be a trip to the loo, a walk for some fresh air, 121 time with a fellow introvert or close friend where you can connect (meaningful, secure connection recharges too), including picking up the phone to someone like that (which also takes you away from the hubbub).

Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself for some alone time – just because others aren’t doing it, doesn’t mean you can’t.  And personally, I’d say don’t be afraid to say why.  It’s amazing how amenable people are when they understand (and how often they say “me too!”).

(It’s useful to pace yourself between events too.  They are likely to take a lot out of you so plan in rest and me-time as you need it).

In our busy, noisy world, talk is often valued more than silence.  But actually people love to be listened to – and when introverts can stay calm (tips for this later!), they are absolutely brilliant at this.  Think of it as your introvert superpower!  So listen carefully, try to make eye contact (it’s ok to dip in and out), and every now and then reflect back bits and pieces.

Honestly, so many people over-focus on what they’re going to say – and it can be useful to have a few ideas if you feel you’ll struggle.  But the easiest, most powerful tool for connection and engagement is to listen.  And as an introvert, you can nail that.

If small talk fills you with dread, it’s good to prepare a few ideas of what might be useful to share.  A great starting point is to get familiar with a few open questions – ones which cannot be answered with a yes or no.  The W words are your friends here – who, where, what, when, why (with care as it can sometime sound judgemental). Combine this with a genuine interest in the person and the attentive listening from above and you’ve got the basis of connection.

And then it can be great to start sharing a little about yourself and your own thoughts and opinions. What are have you encountered or thought about recently that others might like to know?  Hobbies and interests can be a great route into common ground.  And remember none of this stuff has to be groundbreaking – that’s why it’s “small” talk!

And this is where the preparation comes in. It’s good to have some ideas and back-up plans but trying to micromanage everything you are going to say – and not going to say – just adds to the pressure. It will get in the way being able to engage in an authentic, relaxed manner.  Think rough guide rather than full script.

The exhaustion of socialising as an introvert can come from feeling like you have to be “on” all the time.  And being on takes a lot of energy as it’s not your usual state. So we want to be able to find simple ways to recharge whilst in company, and one of the easiest is embracing the silence.

Try and acclimatise yourself to silence with others – it’s likely you love a break in chatter when with trusted allies or alone so just tap into those feelings.  Get used to being at ease with it in your body and mind, then the others around you will also feel that ease.  (In most cases, they’ll be glad of the break in chatter as most people don’t find this stuff super easy). 

Silence gives space for real conversation to happen.  For people to relax and move into thinking deeper, exploring more, connecting more authentically – what us introverts love.

Technology can be your friend – headphones and devices are a fantastic ally, helping to give you some “alone” time when still in the company of others.  Obviously, this isn’t possible in some situations, but there are many where it is.  Even if it’s just to give you a quick break from a party to check your phone, and perhaps watch a couple of nervous system soothing videos or listen to your favourite pick-me-up song to give you a lift.

And it’s becoming much more common now for people to use ear defenders. Loops have a range of subtle, funky earplugs with tech that means you can still hear people but it gives you a little space from the noise.  Great for those who get overwhelmed or overstimulated when there’s lots of background noise and different people speaking at once (their Engage Loops are designed for this).

Pushing yourself into these spaces is going to be hard work.

And your nervous system is going to be in overdrive.  So have some techniques ready to bring yourself back to calm.  Choose small, simple, portable ones including ones you can do without anyone noticing (such as an orientation, a body scan, breathing techniques).   There’s some more tips here.

And use these regulation tools before and after too – so you’re not as stressed going in and can settle yourself afterwards.   It’s all part of teaching your nervous system this isn’t so bad and that it’ll be a little easier next time.

Self consciousness is often an issue of socialising as an introvert – thinking that others are assessing and judging us.  And often that also comes with over analysis of things we’ve said and done, not just after the event but during it too – again adding to the pressure, thinking we’re always GETTING IT WRONG.

And sometimes maybe things were hard work, or went a little awry – these are new skills which take consistent effort and don’t just switch on perfectly overnight.

But here’s a little secret.  That thing you’re stressing about, that you think everyone is judging you about…most people won’t have noticed it.  And those that did, now won’t even remember it.

You are the lead actor on your own stage.  You have a spotlight on everything you say and do in your own mind.  But everyone else is the lead actor on their own stage.  You are just an extra in their background – they are really not noticing as much as you think they are, and the odd bit they do, just passes in and out of their sphere because it’s not significant to them.

Embody that calm, competent version of yourself, even if you don’t always feel like them (fake it until you make it vibe).  Visualise those times when you’ve felt at ease and on top of your game – and bring those feelings into your body as well as your mind.

Use your body language to show that you’re capable, grounded, at ease (even if you aren’t).  And if you’re struggling to access this, think of someone who does it well and “borrow” some of what they have in their posture.

Practice these techniques including maintaining some eye contact.  Avoid crossing arms or legs to hold a more open body language, but maintain your personal space with the distance that works for you or turning slightly to the side (people talk better when not fully facing each other).

Your body’s state informs your nervous system’s state which informs your brain’s state.  So if your body adopts the posture of a calm, confident person, your nervous system moves into a non-alert state, and your brain thinks “I’ve got this”.

Oh, and added bonus, other people them pick up on this calmer energy and feel more at ease themselves, making interaction that bit easier.  It’s a win-win!

You are wonderfully unique.  And the more that you’re true to yourself, the easier things will feel – authenticity is the key to confidence.

So play to your strengths and share insights into the real you, including the quirks and idiosyncrasies (so much more interesting than the Boring Blands).

Celebrate the things you need to make these spaces work for you.  They’re some of the many things that make you, you.

And I truly believe it’s good to share the difficulties you  have with socialising as an introvert.  To give people an honest insight into what it takes for you, how you manage it, where you thrive, why you might not be there to the bitter end…

And get this…

You will be in a packed room and you will think you’re the only one who’s finding this hard. But estimates are the 1 in 4 people are introverts, so a quarter of the people with you are also trying to find a way through this.  And hearing you will help them feel less alone, less like they have to pretend to be something they’re not.  It will help you find your crowd.

And help us introverts take our place.