Overcoming all-or-nothing, black and white thinking, or dichotomous thinking (they’re all the same thing!)

All-or-nothing thinking is a common theme in my coaching – I’ll never be able to do this, if this doesn’t work it’s a failure, if I don’t do x, it will have to be y…  We all do it and it’s not that big a deal occasionally,  But when this becomes a consistent pattern, or mindset, it can really make things tough.

What is all-or-nothing thinking?
All-or-nothing thinking (which can also be known as black and white thinking or dichotomous thinking) is a cognitive pattern where things are viewed in extremes, without consideration of the middle ground, complexities and nuance.  

What’s the impact?
Firstly, I see how all-or-nothing thinking adds stress and pressure to decisions.  It makes life very tough.  Things have to be right, good, the best, a success, option A.  Anything other than that is catastrophic.  Wow, that’s a lot of pressure – and that pressure can also lead to procrastination and avoidance.

Sadly, when we are stressed, anxious, or working close to or beyond capacity, we are more prone to this all or nothing thinking and so a nasty vicious circle can come into play.

Another impact I’m passionate about shifting is how it closes down options.  We think of our choice is only A or Z, rather than the wonderful rainbow of possibilities in between.  And once again, that adds pressure because we think there has to be a right or a wrong choice which is set in stone, rather than something we can try, play with, and always pivot, blend and amend as we learn and choose.
On a basic level, it might seem that it could make things easier to have less options.  But actually it’s exhausting, with constant ups and downs, stress and worry, trying to future predict outcomes, and a desperation to never to make a wrong step.  And of course it takes away life’s richness and complexity (where all magic lies ).

So what to do? How to overcome all-or-nothing or black and white thinking

Here’s a few tips, but I’m going to say this is one that really benefits from a coach (me, hello! ) to help you spot it, shift it and navigate a world of possibility (without overwhelm) to help you spot it, shift it and navigate a world of possibility (without overwhelm)…

  • Awareness: recognise when you’re thinking in extremes. Key words can be thinks like never/always, failure/success, good/bad, right/wrong, nothing/all, impossible/useless etc.

  • Compassion: be kind to yourself. This pattern is a stress response so don’t add to the stress will self recrimination.

  • Exploration: when you catch yourself in a dualistic thought, pause and explore the options between the extremes. Journalling can be a great help with this.

  • Embracing uncertainty: play with being ok with uncertainly, fluidity, complexity, and learn to sit in that wonderful ambiguity (it gets easier with practice)

Why not give it a go and embrace the shades of grey? It’s how our world can become more vibrant and colourful.  As Star (2019) beautifully puts it:

“Allowing ourselves to venture into uncertainty is, paradoxically, a way to see more clearly—not in black and white or even grey, but in complex, dazzling rainbow.”

Do reach out if you recognise this in yourself and can see how it’s making life tough. It doesn’t need to be this way. Let’s talk – no obligation – just a chance to find out more about me and my coaching and to see if this is a good fit for you.