Ok, let’s be honest.

We lie to ourselves constantly…

     “I don’t care what they think” (when you care loads)

     “The job’s ok (it’s draining the life out of you)

     “It’ll be different next week” (but it wasn’t this week – or the week before that..)

Self-lies are a comfort blanket – they help us to feel safe.  And they’re sneaky – they’re “easy”, they’re non-controversial, they can slip under the radar because they feel “good”.

And this is why radical self-honesty might be one of the bravest things to practice.

So What Is Radical Self-Honesty?

Radical self-honesty is about looking inside, noticing when you’re telling yourself a story, and choosing to face the truth instead.

Not the Instagrammable version. Not the sanitised, don’t-worry-anyone-including-myself version.  The messy, awkward, “urgh, do I really have to own this?” version.

It about consistently and accurately acknowledging your real thoughts, feeling and motivations, including those that feel uncomfortable, hidden, even “unacceptable”.

Oh, and for a whole extra layer, it can be sharing that real, uncomfortable stuff with others too – done well, it can be the antidote for shame.

Yikes, Why Would I Want To Do That?!

Good question.  I’m basically talking about something that’s difficult to do; something that can feel scary; something that might make you think “I already feel bad enough about myself without throwing this into the mix”.

But if you can’t be honest with yourself, you’ll never be able to be fully honest with anyone else, including sharing the real version of yourself which is so vital to feeling at home in your own skin.

And it has other great benefits:

  • Healing: you can stop wasting energy carrying around this hidden baggage. You own it, accept it, release it – and can use that energy on all the good stuff instead

  • Clarity: no more guessing about your needs and wants, who you really are and what you really think. It’s all there.

  • Transformation: you can’t change what you can’t see or won’t admit. Radical honesty lets you get really clear on where you want to focus your efforts – it’s the foundation of transformation.

  • Authenticity: life feels good when your inside and outside reality match. It’s a superpower to know yourself and accept yourself

Now that is starting to feel a bit more attractive now isn’t it?

Shame Be Gone – Another Benefit of Radical Honesty

Radical honesty – or rigorous honesty as it’s sometimes known – is a key part of 12 step programmes, and it was listening to a podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert talking about her own addiction that got me thinking about this blog.  She talked of how this radical honesty is vital to recovery…

The benefits looking within at those dark places – acknowledging and owning them.

And to go beyond that – not just honesty with yourself, but sharing that honesty with others (in safe, non-judgemental space).

As the saying goes “shame can’t survive the light”.

I love seeing this in my coaching when people feeling safe enough to really open up about the real version of themselves, “warts and all”.  It releases all the heat and shame and makes things so much more manageable.  It opens the door to working in such a more targeted and effective way.  And welcomes in self-acceptance and releases all those perfectionism constraints.  Where we can accept ourselves with all our flaws and failures (check out my last blog on this here).

How To Practice Radical Self-Honesty (Without the Self-Annihilation)

Okay, so how do you actually do this without turning into your own worst critic? A few tips:

  • Start with curiosity, not judgment: Instead of “Ugh, I’m so weak,” try “Interesting… I said yes when I wanted to say no. Why?”

  • Watch your language: Notice when you’re using words like “fine,” “whatever,” or “not a big deal.” Those are often red flags for hidden feelings.

  • Write it out: Journalling makes it harder to dodge the truth. Start small: “What’s one thing I’m avoiding admitting right now?”

  • Say it out loud (to yourself; to someone else): Sometimes hearing your truth in your own voice hits harder than reading it in your head. And think about sharing it too – choosing someone who’s got non-judgement, acceptance and presence down to a T (hello, it’s me).

  • Compassion, compassion, compassion: Self-honesty isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about meeting yourself where you really are — and deciding what’s next. Be understanding, be kind, be your own best friend.

Some Final Thoughts: The Freedom of Facing Yourself

Radical self-honesty isn’t about tearing yourself down. It’s about finally dropping the stories that aren’t serving you.

It’s about lifting the carpet up on all those things swept under there, and letting the light in.

Because the truth — even when it’s messy — is the only place you can build something real.

And real is where the healing happens.

P.S. you know I’m going to say it, but this can be a hard skill to build on your own.  It’s tough to keep that balance between self-enquiry, self-honesty and self-acceptance without a supportive presence to help you navigate.

And of course, finding that certain someone to share in safe, non-judgemental way can also be tricky.

That’s where I come in!  If you’re interested, let’s talk…