Some signs that you might be a perfectionist – and why it’s getting in your way

Am I a perfectionist? Me? No.  I’m not good enough…I don’t work hard enough…I’m not organised enough to be a perfectionist (hint – these phrases themselves suggest there’s at least some perfectionism!)

There’s quite a lot of misunderstanding about what perfectionism is, and how it shows up.  And even whether it’s a bad thing or not.

It’s not a great term – we often associate perfection with success, goodness and the very pinnacle of achievement. But until I come up with a better word, I’m going to stick with it.  It’s a great way of capturing a whole heap of beliefs and behaviours that – trust me – are making life tough.

And I’m going to do a mini series of blogs about it  – starting with today’s look into whether you are a perfectionist (and why it matters). 

Have a look through these perfectionist traits to see how many you recognise – are they ringing any bells?

  • You set yourself (and others) incredibly high standards

    If you find yourself feeling stress or frustration when things aren’t just right, then perfectionism is probably coming into play.  You might not feel that your standards are high, but try to notice how often you feel that you’re not achieving them.  You might even be setting these standards for others too, who never meet your expectations.

  • You’ve got a vicious inner critic (for yourself and for others) – you know the feeling well of “never good enough”?

    It’s likely you’ve got a harsh inner critic reminding you of the shortcomings and dwelling on difficulties.  Think guilt, shame and low self-esteem – now that doesn’t sound very perfect does it?

  • You’re prone to all-or-nothing thinking (check out my previous blog here)

    If second place or a tiny flaw feels unbearable then perfectionism could be getting in your way of going for your goals. You can still celebrate your wins and do great things without needing to be #1 or 100%.

    You can find ways to be flexible, rather than being trapped in strict rules and standards that take away any ability to be responsive to the situation.

  • You focus on achievements, often to the exclusion of anything else

    Your perfectionism could be getting in the way of doing things just for the pleasure of them, the joy, the experience.  Unless it delivers a certificate, a pay raise, recognition, a tick in a box – some external validation – it just doesn’t feel important. A need for approval is another big sign that there’s something going on with perfectionism.

  • You rarely celebrate the wins

    Perfectionists love a goal – and the achievement of the goal.  There might be some brief satisfaction but then you’re onto the next objective.  It’s all about the next mission, and none of the self-esteem from the achievement comes with you – you’re back at square one again. And that can turn into a treadmill of punishment (hello burnout).

  • The thought of making a mistake or showing vulnerability is terrifying

    The pressure that this puts on us is immense.  We are human beings – wonderful but flawed creatures who need to show up as our true selves, with strengths and challenges.  Feeling like we can only show perfect adds pressure, creates rigidity and stifles creativity and innovation.  It’s through trial and error that we learn and find new ways (check out the discovery of penicillin with Sir Alexander Fleming described as a careless lab technician!).

    This fear also makes it difficult to ask for help and get the training and support we need.  It can lead to us truly being out of our depth (rather than just feeling like we are with imposter syndrome).

  • It’s really hard to receive feedback, however constructive

    This isn’t about embracing cruel criticism, but constructive feedback is how we learn and grow.  It’s how we get helpful advice, usually by those with more experience and knowledge.  It’s a positive, vital, process for improvement.  But if you find it makes you feel defensive, angry, overwhelmed, upset, then it’s perfectionism waving hello.

  • You’re procrastinating and spinning on the spot

    I hope from reading this you’re getting a sense of the stress and pressure that perfectionist traits can create.  It causes rigidity, fear of failure, an inability to play and experiment, to ask for help and show up with authenticity.  It keeps us striving for something always beyond our reach, leaving us feeling inadequate, exhausted and a failure (rather than a success – the only 2 options for an all-or-nothing perfectionist).

    And what does stress and pressure cause?  Procrastination – the inability to do what we want to do.  It’s a protective response of the nervous system to keep you away from that which causes stress/danger so the more pressure we load on, the harder things get to do.

Are you a perfectionist?

After reading this, I’d love to know what you think – and if you think it could be getting in your way.

I’m passionate about helping people to step away from the straitjacket of perfectionism. I class myself as a pretty-much recovered perfectionist and I can truly say it’s been life-changing.

My next blog will include some starting points for starting to release the perfectionism, but I’ll be honest, it’s tough to do on your own. If you fancy a helping hand, let’s talk.