How to Overcome Perfectionism (#3 Perfectionism Series)

Now you know the perfectionist traits, you can really notice when they’re showing up for you.  Do this without judgement, and with lots of compassion.  Just pause, notice and begin to reflect on how you could try and do things differently.

(In my experience, awareness and self compassion can be a little difficult when perfectionism is rife, so more help with this next time!)

Choose ways that you can start to challenge your own ideas what is needed to begin to tune into “good enough”.  Notice when you’re veering into over-delivery, over-preparation and pressure, pressure, pressure!  Build your tolerance to this with increasing exposure, starting with small, safe ways.  So don’t choose the big presentation you’re doing for that keynote conference to start with; perhaps think more in terms a personal project, the kids’ homework, the housework even and then build.

And try to embrace the work-in-progress mentality.  Sharing work before it’s totally finalised to receive feedback and help shape it based on valid input.

Remember, there are times we need to make compromises on quality to free up time/space/energy in other ways. These are the balanced choices we need to make – to meet deadlines on multiple projects at once, to keep focus on self care and other commitments, to keep balance (which in turn helps us to do more, more effectively).

Work on accepting good enough from yourself and others.  Remember this isn’t about something that isn’t up to the job – it is literally good enough for what it needs to be.  If you find it tricky for yourself, a great route into it is to do it for those around you – kids, partner, friends and family, colleagues, employees.  Bring conscious focus onto the lessons learned from mistakes, slips and misses.  Show that you value creativity, endeavours, novelty, and honesty for yourself and others to foster an accepting, creative space.

Again, this is one to build from a small and safe start.  And of course, you’ll always do it appropriately. It may never be a great move to have a make-or-break meeting with a valuable client where you tell them how depressed you are and how you hate your job!

But we can share a sense of difficulties or where we’ve found things challenging.  It’s a great way of getting support and useful advice.  And we can show a bit of our humanity to those around us.  Those caught in perfectionism often perceive threat from those around them – colleagues, managers, even friends etc. – and keep up a defensive barrier.  And this can become a vicious circle where those around us also feel that they have to keep up a wall and pretend at perfect.  To show some of our own humanity often creates stronger bonds and allows others to feel safe to share their own vulnerability or ask for help and support.

As a perfectionist, it’s very easy to tend towards over-preparation.  Often trying to predict every possible outcome, question or interaction, situation and be prepared for what comes your way.  This can be exhausting and, ironically, can often backfire.  It makes us more rigid and diminishes the ability to adapt to what’s actually happening in the moment.  And so when things don’t go to plan, as they rarely do, it can cause panic and freeze.  Obviously we want to have a degree of preparation and a professional approach.  But it’s really helpful to start building up belief in our innate abilities to cope and manage in the moment, with the unplanned and unexpected.  And to be ok with saying “that’s a great question and something I haven’t come across. Let me get back to you on that”.

Perfectionism often goes hand-in-hand with an all-or-nothing mindset (check out this blog for some specific tips for that) and focusing purely on the achievements – whether’s there’s been success or failure.  But with conscious effort, it’s possible to bring more awareness to the process; the journey; and the value that lies within it.  And to even build new skills purely for the experience, the joy, the pleasure – without expectation, targets or worrying about what others think.

You might not like to hear this, but you are flawed, biased, imperfect!  And guess what, everyone else is too.  When you’re comparing yourself with others, you’re biased and bringing overemphasis onto the things you think you need and don’t have.  And you’re often doing this against the curated external messaging of another, without truly knowing that person’s internal reality.  Obviously, social media exacerbates this but it happens in person too.  You might be feel inferior compared to a colleague who’s nailed an important presentation and wondering why you can’t be like them – they do it with such ease.  But behind the scenes, there might be chaos, ruptured relationships, self doubt, stress or anxiety.  We never truly know what’s going on for anyone else.  And we can’t trust our own brains to give us impartial evidence.  So with compassion and awareness, release the comparisonitis.  It’s pointless.