Dialling down the negative self-talk so self esteem can flourish

One of the most common themes from my coaching space is self-compassion (or at least the lack of it). Many of my clients are high achievers who have been using punishment, stress and self-annihilation to motivate themselves (but uh-oh, it’s not working anymore).

The negative self-talk is constant, with a cruel inner critical, always telling themselves they’re useless, lazy, stupid, less than, not good enough…(the list goes on…).  And they sprinkle their words often with throwaway comments packed with self deprecation and self doubt. 

This can have such a detrimental impact on self esteem.  It’s constantly chipping away at self worth and value.  And undermining any sense of trust we might have in who we are and what we can do.

And this series of blogs is all about building self esteem so you can stop fighting against yourself – and get on with what you long to do.

And like Bruce Lee says:

“Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the difference. Words are energy and they cast spells…Change the way you speak about yourself, and you can change your life.”

In my last blog I talked of the power of affirmations – using positive words to feel better about ourselves.  And we can further enhance this by working on the other side of the coin too – removing the negative words that pepper our speech, our thoughts, our written communications.

It’s not easy but the more we do it, the easier it becomes. And, if I say so myself, it’s so much easier with a coach beside you to help you spot the subtle ways you’re undermining yourself and to support you in finding a new way, with a new confidence.

Here’s a few pointers to get you started:

  • The first step is bringing awareness.  Try to notice when the negative voice is showing up.  And look for those subtle phrases that might be scattered through your language which also chip away at self-esteem
  • Key to this is to notice with judgement or self-recrimination – don’t let it be fuel for even more self-criticism (“I’m not supposed to be speaking to myself like this and yet here I am telling myself I’m useless”). Just notice, release and move on
  • In most situations, it’s possible to have another go, even whilst speaking to others.  Feel free to correct yourself and tweak the language (people won’t be the least bit bothered).  And you will hear it differently – and that is so powerful
  • Start reading through your journalling or any emails to strip out anything which sews seeds of doubt, undermines your ability, takes away your power. With a few tweaks it’s easy to remove the insecurity, the low status, the meekness, the over justifying, the negativity and wobbles…

  • And don’t forget to find simple steps to keep the nervous system regulated when doing this.  It helps to give the breathing space for awareness, and then action rather than reaction (think autopilot).  It gives you the capacity to start making changes.  And it’s needed to quieten the negative voice which – believe it or not – is a protection system.  It helps the nervous system learn that doing things differently is safe (you can find out more here).

And remember, change isn’t easy but it is always possible. It just takes small, consistent, supportive effort.  And if you want a helping hand with that, then let’s talk.